A Change in the Wind

Robin Weinrich, Jan 2005

The embers of a shattered life are sometimes hard to snuff out. They scatter about with the slightest shift in the wind. Chasing them becomes a grueling task. The glowing ember by itself is harmless enough, except when something in its path receives a spark. It becomes a burning entity, separating further from the threads of the life once known. Or, when nothing comes along to encourage its warm growth, it dies. No longer is there comfort and security. The days for one man now shift in the changing wind as the scattered embers of his former existence begin their dance, waiting for life or death . . .

*******

The dancing sunbeams caught up with her son’s strawberry blonde hair; his laughter light as he tumbled down the small sand dune. Waves of ocean spray sprinkled them along their trek down the shoreline filled with weaving patterns of wet and dry sand. Joanne lay back against her chair, sighing deeply and relishing the scenery around her. She patted her stomach as the child within her rolled lazily to the left. She and Roy would soon have another baby; a sister or brother for Chris. She sighed with satisfaction, watching her son and husband bounce back and forth from the lapping waves. Joy radiated around them and she closed her eyes.

“Joanne?” he said sharply. “Joanne? Are you awake?”

She rubbed her eyes and groaned from the intrusion. Blinking away the remnants of distorted sleep, she looked up at him. He wasn’t smiling, and there was no sunlight today.

“Roy?” she responded hopefully.

“Time to get going. We’re already late,” he replied curtly.

He threw his pajamas on the floor and pulled a t-shirt over his torso. She watched him for a brief moment, wondering if she would ever feel his arms gently wrapped around her again. She quickly looked away as he turned. His face was stone. She didn’t want him to see the beginnings of today’s tears.

“Come on. This was your idea to begin with. Let’s go,” he said louder this time.

“I’m coming,” Joanne replied quietly.

She pulled herself from the warmth of the comforter. They had only been to counseling for three weeks and she had hoped for some progress. But, if anything, there was only the same anger and despair that continued to dressed her husband. Despite her own depression, she still had another child to care for and was desperately trying to keep her family together. Roy, however, was becoming more distant and angrier. Tears threatened to emerge from her sleepy eyes, but she held back the small whimper and bit her lip. Not today, girl. You’ve got no time and he’s still willing to go. Not today.

“I’ll be downstairs. Jenny’s already done with breakfast, so we’re just waiting on you,” he said as he left their bedroom.

One tear escaped, making its way down her pale cheek. She reached up to wipe it away, but stopped short of erasing the small reminder of her pain.

*******

“I’m sorry, but he didn’t complete half of this semester’s assignments . . . “

“But, Mom, I just want to read today. I don’t wanna go to the picnic . . .

“He just stands off to the sides and doesn’t want to participate . . . “

“Come on, Mom, quit nagging me. I just don’t want to play basketball . . . “

“Has he been sleeping . . . ?”

“Dad, did you know that fireman pretty well? When he died, did he . . um . .say . . anything? Did he feel a lot of pain?”

“Please sign here indicating you’ve seen his failing book report . . .”

“Just leave me alone! I don’t care!”

“Chris, where did you get the pot?”

“Geez, Uncle Johnny, it was just a party. Mom and Dad act like I have no sense. I’m so sick of this . . damn it, what’s the use? Nobody gets it!”

“I’m afraid he’s not eligible for the team. His grades . . . “

“Get off my case, will ya! Leave me alone!”

“Come on, Chris! It’s not loaded . . man, you’re such a wuss . . .”

“I ain’t no wuss . . .”

“This guy’s a loser. Look at ‘im, he can’t even play a simple game of truth or dare!”

“Shut up!”

“Pull the trigger, then, wuss boy!”

“SHUT UP!”

“I dare you! Remember, you’re the one that wanted to play!”

“I said, shut up and leave me alone! I’ll play your stupid game! I’ll show ALL of you . . . !”

“It was too late. I’m sorry, but there was nothing we could do . . .”

*******

What do you say? How do you talk about something you know nothing about? How the hell am I supposed to get through this with him? I don’t know where to begin . . .

Johnny groaned as he contemplated his next visit with Roy. It had been a long weekend full of questions, concerns and comments from everyone. He had grown weary of his own repetitive replies. Everything he had said sounded so trite that he had wished he could disappear until after the funeral. All Johnny had wanted to do was to comfort his best friend, but he had struggled with that very task. Everyone had expected him to handle it because they hadn’t known how to, either.

Roy had been disturbingly quiet and reserved. It was as if he had pulled himself into a deep secret place with a locked gate and there was no key. Johnny settled for being there as support when he stood next to Roy during the police interviews, during the coroner’s report, and the visitation. Joanne had been behind closed doors through most of the successive events, leaving Johnny to fend for Roy . . . and himself.

Johnny’s thoughts shifted to the day of the funeral . . .

He began to feel as though he was caught up in a dream where he couldn’t wake up. He arrived at the church, acknowledging friends, Roy and Joanne’s extended family members and acquaintances as he made his way to the family pew. He had never been comfortable in churches or the religious rituals that went with them. But this wasn’t about him. Roy stared straight ahead and didn’t blink when Johnny clasped his shoulder as he sat down. Joanne looked over Roy’s back and nodded. The dreamlike feeling kept pushing at Johnny’s mind. It was all surreal.

The coffin stood among many rows of flowers and plant arrangements. Music came from somewhere, and a preacher was speaking. But the words did not make sense to Johnny. He focused on keeping his emotional balance in front of Roy. Roy continued to stare straight ahead. When the processional began down the aisle of the church, Johnny moved to help Roy go forward. Joanne clutched his other arm and the three of them followed the coffin from its perch. Roy only moved because of the man and woman at his side. Johnny continued to see this whole event in slow motion as his mind’s eye translated the grief and despair coming from this family. Roy was not there. He simply existed on the physical plane, but his mind was still locked away.

Johnny turned and looked out the window of the limo. Wispy gray clouds moved quickly across the sky. The wind had picked up and Johnny felt the darkness of the sky creep into the limo itself. It was as if the fog had permeated their very being, leading them forward in the dream, to its worst conclusion.

This was not a dream. Chris was dead.

Johnny clenched his jaw and sighed. He reached for Roy’s hand and gently held on. Roy simply stared. Joanne hung her head. The fog grew.

*******

“Roy?”

“Yeah, Cap,” he replied sullenly.

“Tell me what’s up?”

“um . . “ Roy shifted in his chair as he faced his Captain. “Um . . well, Joanne left this weekend.”

“She did what?”

“She left and took Jenny with her. They’re going to stay with her Mom for a while,” Roy said quietly as he stared at his boots.

Hank rubbed his face before he spoke. “Roy, what can I do?”

Roy lifted his head slowly and sighed. “Nothing. There’s really nothing you can do. I just need to concentrate on work and things will work out.”

“What about the sessions?”

“Well . . that’s part of the problem. They’re really not helping. I think we just need some time apart. That’s all.”

Hank moved cautiously toward Roy, well aware of the physical distance that Roy had sought since the funeral. However, he needed to know that Roy’s emotional health was strong enough for the job and the station. He reached over and laid his hand on Roy’s shoulder. Roy stiffened slightly, but didn’t pull away.

“Listen, Pal, I want you to consider keeping up the sessions yourself. It’s only been a few weeks. Give yourself some time. Take some of the unused vacation time, huh?”

“I’d rather not, Cap. Really, I want . . . I need . . . to keep working,” Roy looked up at him, the emotional struggle revealed behind blue eyes of despair.

Hank gave him a small smile. Why was it easier to talk about one’s loss of a spouse or parent? Why was talking about the loss of a child so difficult? “Okay, Roy, I’m counting on you to let me know when it’s too much. You know how important it is. Do the guys know that Joanne left?”

“Johnny does. I don’t mind if the others know. Let’s just not make an announcement or anything like that.”

“Done. Listen, I’m here . . .”

‘Station 51, Squad 36, motor vehicle accident, Thomas and Colby intersection, northeast; Thomas and Colby intersection; time out 8:08.”

Station 51 began its shift and Hank settled into his command mode. Roy and Johnny led the way as the sirens blared and each man focused on their next task. The accident had produced only minor injuries which didn’t require transport. The ambulance was released and Squad 51 returned to available status.

Johnny leaned back into the seat, enjoying the wind in his hair as they made their way back to the station. He took a few glances toward his partner. As was his pattern of late, Roy was quiet and stared straight ahead.

“So, you want to come over tomorrow night? Watch the game?”

Roy blinked and focused as he turned the corner at the light. He glanced back at Johnny and quietly said, “No, but thanks.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. Johnny just couldn’t figure out the next step. “Look, Roy . . I . . well, I know there’s been a lot going on . . .” Geez, Gage, what a stupid thing to say! “Well, I mean, you can just talk if you want to. I can’t say a whole lot to help . . .” Johnny struggled for the right words. Each time he attempted to break through Roy’s self-imposed lock-down, he just stumbled. He looked at Roy, hoping for some indication that Roy would finally talk.

Roy slowly leaned forward and shook his head. “I don’t know, Johnny. I just don’t know.”

Johnny shifted in his seat and leaned in towards his best friend. He wanted to make sure he didn’t miss anything as his partner spoke.

Roy continued. “I’m still trying to figure it all out. But, I think it will take me a lot longer . . . well, I guess . . . “ he sighed. “I’m just taking it one day at a time. But I really want to work, okay?”

Johnny understood that emotion. “Yeah, man, I’m with you. Just, well, ya know. I’m here.” He could feel Roy’s uncertainty and fear, especially since Joanne had left this weekend. He thought that losing a child was beyond consolation, and wondered what would be next for Roy.

“I know.”

“Okay, then.”

“Thanks, Johnny.” Roy stared straight ahead. Johnny looked at him with renewed hope when he heard the familiar nickname. He felt the wind brush his face and said a silent prayer for his best friend.

*******

Dusk had settled on the horizon. Streams of pink and orange clouds reached across the graying sky. The sun dipped lower and the clouds continued to stand still among the dimming light.

Johnny noticed the dusky skyline as they were leaving the Wildwood Medical Center. They had been sent to the medical facility as a training initiative in a remote area of the county. Johnny remembered the days when all they could do was extricate a victim and wait till they got to the hospital. Now, the paramedic program was such a success that more and more firemen were being trained. It was days like today that made Johnny thankful for his profession and provided job satisfaction. Johnny felt a twinge of happiness as his thoughts wandered. He leaned toward the open window taking in the sunset as they began their long drive back to the station. The last several weeks had taken their emotional toll on him, too. He had known that supporting Roy was going to tax his reserves, but he had also known that he had an endless bounty of respect and love for his best friend. He would support Roy, no matter what.

As the sun faded from the horizon, dusk turned to graying darkness. The wind picked up and pushed a gentle and cooling breeze past them. Johnny noticed the overturned pick up truck one second before Roy saw the same and slowed the squad down.

“LA, Squad 51. We’ve got an overturned vehicle on Route 39. Please respond other units. Will update after investigating.”

“10-4, Squad 51,”

Johnny and Roy moved quickly to the truck, anticipating possible victims. As they approached the damaged vehicle, they heard movement from behind and around them.

“Oh yeah, this is better then them cops . . “

“Hey, yeah, these guys are better . . . but they don’t have no guns!”

Roy glanced around him and noticed that several teenagers had surrounded them. They looked drugged. Johnny raised his hands.

“Look, man, we’re just here to help out. Is anyone hurt?” Johnny asked.

“hahaha, he’s funny, TJ, real funny!”

“Shut up!” A burly teen with red-shot eyes looked back at Johnny. “You ain’t gonna help no one . . . fire boy!” he spit out with slurred speech.

“Come on, man, quit kidding around!” Johnny exclaimed. He looked for weapons on the teens and wasn’t sure what they were holding.

Roy tried another tactic. “Look, we’ll just leave and let you go on your way.”

“Oh, isn’t that sweet? On our way—well, mister, YOU’RE our way!”

Suddenly, six teenagers grabbed the firemen and attacked. Johnny warded off the blows as best he could, but couldn’t compete with the numbers. Just as quickly as the attack began, it had ended. Johnny began to feel the fog enter his brain as he realized he had been stabbed in the side. He ended up on the gravel of the roadside and noticed that Roy had a bleeding wound to the head and was unconscious. The last thing Johnny remembered was the sound of maniacal laughter, compartment doors to the squad being opened and shattering glass.

******

He didn’t know why these guys were so wild about kidnapping a couple of firemen. It was a given there were certain things you just didn’t do. Not that anyone had ever treated him fairly before. No matter how far he ran, or where he ended up for that day or a week, he hadn’t met a group this whacked out. He knew that he would have to play his role right in order to move on. This was too deep and he didn’t want to be a part of their drug ring anymore.

A groan brought his attention back to his present task. The wet cloth he used was already drying out from his motion of cleaning the man’s blood from his head wound. The man moaned again, shifting his head and raising his hands to greet the disturbing pain.

“ . . . s .stop, please,” the man whispered.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just cleaning this up. What’s your name?”

The man stopped moving and paused for the moment. His eyelids fluttered open, and he seemed to struggle with the question. “um . . .Roy . . .Roy . .that’s my name.”

“I’m . . Paul,” he replied, pulling the dirty cloth away. He noticed that Roy was attempting to say something else, still struggling.

“um . . . where . . ?”

“I said don’t worry, man. Ya gotta relax. Your head don’t look too good.”

Paul watched as Roy closed his eyes and attempted to pull himself to a sitting position. He was obviously not ready to do so, and fell back against the grungy pillow.

“ . . gotta . . um . . Johnny?”

“Your partner’s in the other room. They ain’t gonna put you together right now,” Paul explained in a low voice. He didn’t need anyone giving him a hard time about lengthy conversations with their latest victims. “They might gag you or something.”

Paul noticed Roy still looked confused but that his eyelids drooped again. It seemed to him the blow to Roy’s head was causing the confusion and pain. He started to leave the dimly lit room when a hand suddenly grabbed his pant leg.

“please . .you help me find Johnny?” Roy panted. Roy let go of his feeble grasp and cradled his aching head. “Please, help Johnny?”

Paul leaned back down, and gave Roy the dried towel. “Here, just hang on to this, and I’ll see what I can do. Now, be quiet!”

Paul headed into the hallway. The run down house was set far off the hiking trail they had used. It hadn’t been used in a long time. The group’s leader, TJ, was currently in the kitchen with several others picking through the stuff they had stolen from the squad. Paul glanced at the table and noticed that syringes, vials, and other packs were scattered about.

TJ glared back at Paul. “Whatcha ya starin’ at, boy? Ain’t ya seen shit like this before?” TJ’s voice crackled.

“Man, I don’t care what you do with it. Just tell me what’s next,” Paul replied, hoping to find a way out of this group.

“Well, boy, looks like you didn’t do as well as ol’ Chip here,” TJ responded, throwing a snarling smile toward one of the other teenagers. “The deal was that both of you were to take down the cops, . .er, well, these fire boys. Instead, you bailed. That’s why you got nurse duty!”

A round of laughter erupted from the teenagers surrounding the table. Paul watched as TJ slapped Chip on the back and pinned one of the firemens’ badges to him. One of the girls in the group pulled Chip into an embrace and wrapped herself around him. Chip groaned with satisfaction as she nibbled his ear.

“Yep, we now got us another true brother, man,” TJ went on, lustily looking on as Chip sought the girls’ lips and returned her embrace carrying her into the living room. “Welcome, Chip—you get to keep that badge as an honorary tribute to your skills with that knife! Oh, and be nice to Trudy there—she’s trippin’, man!” he called after him.

“Ol’ Paul-boy there don’t like the sight of blood, now does he?” TJ continued to taunt Paul.

Paul simply turned away and went to the next bedroom. More laughter followed him down the hallway as the rest of the group went back to experimenting with their stash.

The run-down door squeaked loudly when he opened it. The other fireman they had kidnapped had been thrown in the room. Amid the dim lights, all he could see was the still form lying on the mattress. He kneeled down to check the make-shift bandage he had placed along the man’s side. Blood had soaked through the bandages.

“So, I guess you’re Johnny?” Paul said, not expecting an answer. “Your buddy next door is awake and asking about you. Guess I can’t tell him much.” Paul took Johnny’s uniform shirt off of him and began tearing it into strips. “Sorry ‘bout your shirt, but I gotta put something on this wound.” He took the rest of the shirt and folded it up as best he could and then tied the strips around the man’s waist.

A small groan escaped Johnny’s lips, but he was still out. The man was sweating. Paul took another dirty cloth and tried to wipe Johnny’s forehead. “I’ll be back,” he said.

Paul went back to the kitchen for a glass of water. He decided to just let TJ

know what he thought.

“Um, . .TJ . .listen, I know I didn’t do exactly what you wanted, but I guess I’m just too new at this,” Paul said quietly.

TJ glared back at him, leaning back in his chair while the others quieted down. “Well, we all saw that!” TJ growled. “All ya had to do was to knife both of them. Instead you only got one of ‘em,” TJ fumed. “But, I think this hostage thing is going to really work for us. It’s better than stealing guns—who knew these fire boys carried drugs! But, I don’t think you can cut it, man. I think you’re soft and weak. You haven’t shot up since I let you hang with us. So, you can just go back to nursing them hostages and be a good little boy.”

“TJ. . .um . . I don’t think one of ‘em is doing too well. The stab wound is still bleeding.”

“So . . fix it! Let’s see what we got here . . .here’s some kind of band aids and shit. Maybe the fire boy needs a dose of one them drugs? Which one ya think, Stan?” TJ asked looking at a tall teenager to his left.

Stan grinned. “I think this is better!” The tall teenager held up his own packet of heroin. “He might feel better in a different reality!” He grinned, grabbed a syringe and headed to the back bedroom. Paul began to feel a new fear from the pit of his stomach.

“I don’t know, TJ . . ya could kill him,” Paul tried to point out.

“So? If he dies, then I blame you and you get to deal with it. I still got me a live one, don’t I?” TJ seethed. “You better get down there, nurse boy, and take care of ‘im, now don’t ya think?”

Paul only stared at the hulking teenager. He couldn’t see any other way but to comply for now. Maybe he could buy some time and find a way out. He didn’t want to incur TJ’s wrath any more than necessary.

He made his way back to the bedroom when Stan exited the doorway. “He should be doin’ better now,” Stan slurred from the excitement of playing doctor and from the heroin he’d already shot up himself.

Paul knelt back down to see how Johnny was doing. He could see Johnny was having difficulty breathing and was mumbling. He tried to pat his shoulder, not knowing what else to do to. “Hey now, just relax. Maybe I’ll try to find you a blanket, huh?” he said, knowing the injured man was beyond having any conversation with him.

*******

Roy tried to sit up on the bumpy mattress. He didn’t remember how he got there, but his aching head made him aware of a slight concussion. He groaned as he leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath. Despite several cuts, bruises and welts, he seemed in good shape, except for the pounding drums in his head. He reached up to feel the gash across his eyebrow and felt the dried blood. What happened? Where’s Johnny and how did we get here?

As he contemplated his next move, the door opened and a young teenage boy stepped in. Roy gasped when he looked at the boy. His vision became blurred with tears as reality wavered. He was the same height and weight of Chris and in the duskiness of the room; he was unable to see any other details. The headache grew along with his confusion.

“Chris . . .” he hesitantly whispered, pain lancing through his head.

“No, man, . . my name’s Paul. How are you doing?” the boy quietly asked Roy.

Roy closed his eyes and rubbed them. He blinked and tried to focus on the boy as he came closer. Roy sighed as reality filtered in, and he gave the boy a quick nod.

“Um . . I’m not feeling great, but I’m managing. What’s going on?” Roy asked cautiously.

Paul shifted his gaze from Roy’s piercing blue eyes. They conveyed a deep despair Paul hadn’t seen before, and it made him uncomfortable. His dad had that same look of despair after his mother died.

“Um . . well .. your friend . . “ Paul began.

Roy held his breath, watching this young man. “Johnny?”

“Yeah, he . . um . .he’s in the other room, and he isn’t awake yet. But, he’s bleeding,” Paul murmured, unable to look at Roy. Instead he shuffled his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Listen,” Roy started. He moved carefully off the bed, grabbing the mattress for support. “I’ve got to get to him.”

Paul looked down and instinctively reached for the injured paramedic.

“Wait a minute . . these guys . . they’re not too interested in saving your friend. They shot him up with some heroin.”

“What?”

“I don’t know . . . they just gave him a shot, ya know, using one of your syringes?” Paul struggled with the way things were going, and wished he could just run away . . again.

Roy sighed and stood a little straighter, closing his eyes for a moment to regain some balance. The throbbing in his head abated some and he opened his eyes. Once again, his breathing hitched realizing this young man was not Chris. His eyes focused once again, and he took a step forward.

“Man, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Please, let me get to my partner.”

“Okay, okay . . “ Paul placed his hand on Roy’s chest. “Just give me a minute, huh?”

Roy nodded.

Paul left the small room, willing himself to face TJ once again.

*******

Mike pulled his chair closer to the table, leaning on his hand and trying to look as though he wasn’t listening to Cap’s conversation on the phone. He was already aware of the seriousness of the call by the look on Cap’s face.

Chet grew anxious. “Cap?”

Hank put up his hand to silence Chet while he finished talking with the police detective on the phone.

Chet sighed with frustration as Mike and Marco simply stared at the day room table. “This is nuts!” he exclaimed.

Hank hung up the phone slowly and turned towards his men. “Well, it’s pretty bad,” he began. His voice cracked and he cleared his throat before he spoke again, wiping his brow. “It seems the squad was robbed and . . the guys . . they’re no where to be found . . .um, they’re going to be listed as missing. There was definitely a struggle . . some blood . .but they don’t know anything else,” Hank finished taking his eyes off the grief-stricken faces of his engine crew. He worked on building up his own walls right now in order to keep his own emotions at bay.

“But, Cap. . . “ Chet closed his eyes and clenched his fists. “What do we do now?”

“We wait . . . and we pray,” Hank said with a sad sigh.

*******

TJ and the other teenagers had moved from the kitchen into the front living area. Several of them were already tripping out on their own doses and TJ appeared to be sleeping. Chip was the only one that seemed awake. Trudy was mumbling and smiling while she stroked Chip’s bare stomach.

Paul noticed Chip staring at him with a smile filled with broken teeth. “Uh, Chip . . . is TJ . .is he sleeping”

“Yeah, what’s it to ya, nurse boy?”

“Nothing. Just I need some more stuff from that box you brought in. That guy isn’t doing so good. I’m gonna let his partner look at him.” Paul said with a growing confidence.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea . . ya know, TJ, he won’t like that.”

“Whatever . . .but I don’t think TJ wants a murder rap. Look, they’re medical people or something like that. The other guy can help.”

Chip seemed to contemplate the situation as if it were the biggest decision in his life. “Well, just make sure they don’t go anywhere.”

“Don’t worry, they can’t anyway.”

Paul grabbed the stuff from the table and piled it into the box. He carried it down the hallway when suddenly a hoarse voice cried out. He ran to the last bedroom, and discovered Johnny lying on the floor writhing and groaning. Roy came out of the other bedroom and was now moving toward his partner.

Paul let him through watching as Roy pulled Johnny into his lap and began talking in soft tones. Paul continued to stand there, unable to figure out the next step. Johnny was shivering and sweating. Roy was totally focused on keeping him calm. Paul moved forward with the box, and knelt down next to Roy.

“Here’s this . . “

Roy looked up at him and gave him a nod. “We’ve got to get him to a hospital .. he’s loosing a lot of blood . . going into shock . .I can’t do much for him . . .” Roy stammered the facts, again trying to focus on calming Johnny down.

Paul leaned back on his heels and wiped his own sweat from his face. The scene in front of him was too intense. His own emotions were too close to the surface. He felt his control slipping.

“no, Dad . .come on you can make it!” His rocked his father back and forth, determined to bring him back to life. He knew his father wasn’t breathing anymore and he knew he was finally at peace. But, he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t do it knowing there was no where else for him to go. He brushed away the flies and rubbed some of the dirt off his face. The cardboard box they had called home for the last month was now flattened as he continued to rock his father. “Come on Dad, you can do it . . I know you can.. you can’t just leave me like this . . .Dad?” He bent down closer and tried to wake him. His father’s skin was cold and it began to rain. He looked up at the small sliver of sky at the top of the alley and cried. His tears and the raindrops dropped into puddles that surrounded him. He kept rocking . . .

“Paul?” Roy called again. “Paul? Can you help me lift him back to the bed?”

Paul stopped rocking, and went to the other side of Johnny. Johnny had calmed down and seemed to be murmuring something. “What happened?” Paul asked Roy.

“He’s got a fever. That heroin hasn’t helped. He doesn’t know what’s going on—he’s loosing too much blood—we need a hospital,” Roy said with quiet intensity as he pulled the dirty blanket over his partner. Johnny reached out and found Roy’s arm. The fevered man clung to Roy. Continuing to talk in soothing tones, Roy used his other hand to finish securing the bandages.

Paul pulled himself away from the bed, staring at Roy and Johnny. He began to sense that the bond these men shared was very strong and deep. He felt he was intruding instead of helping.

“Come on, Johnny, you’ve got to hang on. I’m gonna find a way to get us out of here . . .just hold on for me, okay?” Roy continued talking to his partner.

Paul left, reciting Roy’s words. . . I’m gonna find a way to get us out of here . . .just hold on for me, okay . . Dad?

******

“Broken glass, stolen medical supplies and blood stains were all that was left at the scene when a Los Angeles County Sheriff discovered the missing squad from Los Angeles County Fire Department. It is now believed the two Los Angeles County Paramedics were taken as hostages in this attack. They are Fireman/Paramedic Roy DeSoto and Fireman/Paramedic John Gage based at Station 51 in Carson. They are currently listed as missing until further details can be discovered as to their whereabouts. We’ll keep you up to date as further information becomes available . . .now, on to our weather forecast . . .”

Hank turned off the TV with a weary sigh. The families had gathered together at Hank’s not knowing what else they could do. The fact that Joanne and Jennifer were away at her parents and she hadn’t retuned his phone calls meant that she hadn’t heard the latest. Besides, there wasn’t much else to he do since Roy told him about their separation. But, he still felt obligated and frustrated. The shift had been stood down until replacements could be arranged. Hank suspected that Chief McConnike also initiated the down time to give his crew time to cope with the current situation.

Hank went back to the couch after turning the TV off. Hank’s wife was in the kitchen preparing food for everyone. Mike, Marco and Chet continued to sit in the living room. There were no more words . . .no more ideas. There was only silence.

*******

The throbbing in his side pulsated loudly in his head. He wondered why that was and tried to move his head to stop it when he felt someone’s hand wiping his brow. He was very hot and uncomfortable. He noticed as he became more aware of his surroundings that the pain had increased in his side.

“Ohhh, . . .man . .. .uh … “ he managed to grunt a few words and wearily opened his eyes. Sweat trickled down his eyelids and it stung. Johnny tried to reach for his head when another hand stopped him.

“Hang on, Johnny, let me do that. You need to save your strength, okay?”

“Roy?” Johnny attempted to say.

“Yeah, it’s me. Just be still. You’ve got a pretty nasty wound here and this fever is pretty high.”

“oh . .m’ side hurts . .. Roy?” he replied, panting with each word. “my head . . spinning . . I’m gonna . . “ Roy reached for him and turned him to his side, recognizing the signs. Roy held tightly to Johnny’s shoulders as his stomach muscles contracted into dry heaves. Johnny gasped and let out a low moan.

“Johnny, quiet. Come on now. . .” Roy quietly commanded as he wiped Johnny’s sweat soaked brow and eased him back on the mattress. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Johnny was confused and couldn’t remember what happened to land him here. All he knew was intense pain in his head and side and sweat. But, it was comforting to know that Roy was beside him. He tried to shift and gasped as the pain in his side shot down his back.

“Ughh! Roy . . this . . I . . can’t . . “

“Shhh . . Johnny, just be still, okay? Rest, and save your strength. . .”

Johnny couldn’t stop the whirling and buzzing that increased in his head after vomiting. He was so tired of fighting for understanding. Fear and panic started to overwhelm his confused mind. He began tearing up, breathing harder. “. . . Roy . . .I’m . . .what ‘s . . hap . pening . .agh!” he managed to say.

Roy had never seen Johnny in so much pain and confusion and his own emotional barriers were breaking down. He kept wiping Johnny’s face and eased himself behind his partner to hold his shoulders. It was all he could do while the drug induced mania gripping his best friend hung tight. He gripped tighter and kept reassuring Johnny that it would get better and they would be going home soon. Johnny simply gave in to the delirium.

Paul continued watching from the hallway, his own tears no longer hidden.

*******

Several hours had passed and it was finally quiet. Paul was still in the hallway, having nothing else to do, while Roy lightly dozed, remaining at Johnny’s beside. Even the house was quieter since the group of drug-crazed teenagers left them to their own.

TJ’s drug trip was ending leaving him tired and anxious about what to do with their hostages. It had been so clear earlier that evening. TJ got bored with Johnny’s deteriorating condition. He and his friends didn’t want to deal with the sick man. It was too much effort to drag a hostage around while they continued to look for more drugs and guns. Once they faced all the messy details of their two hostages and their drug supply dried up, they left. They went looking for more fun and excitement that didn’t involve cleaning up vomit, feeding more mouths and listening to manic fevered cries. They also lost interest in their newly acquired toys from the squad and Paul.

Paul noted that the early morning light filtered in through the rotting house. He had lost track of the hours. He raised his head toward the bedroom and stared.

Roy continued to hold Johnny as if Johnny’s life depended on it. Johnny was finally sleeping or unconscious, he couldn’t tell which. But he did notice that the manic and delirious moments seemed to have passed from the heroin injection.

Paul started to get up and felt a little unsteady. His dreams were fresh in his muddled mind and he had to pull back for a moment to reorient him to the present reality. His father was dead and now buried. Nothing he could do would bring him back. But, for some reason, he was getting too many reminders from Roy about his Dad and it was beginning to trouble him.

“Roy?” he quietly whispered, not wanting to disturb Johnny. “Roy?” Paul asked again as he lightly tapped the paramedic’s shoulder.

Roy began to stir and woke with a small jerk. He quickly checked on Johnny, thinking he needed to be ready, but relaxed a little as he saw his partner’s steady breathing and calmer face. He looked over at Paul.

“What time is it?” he muttered, trying to get his brain to function.

“Um . .not sure, I think its early morning. Uh . . . everyone’s left us. They’re not here anymore—we’re free,” Paul explained.

This brought Roy to a full sitting position in which he immediately grabbed his throbbing head. Taking care of Johnny for so many hours, he had forgotten about his own pain and problems.

“Are you okay?” Paul asked.

“Yeah . .just give me a minute . . . “ Roy responded.

Roy tried to rise from the lumpy mattress, but slowly sank back down. He was weary from his long hours with Johnny’s drug trip, the injury to his head, and the last several months of grieving. He had reached his emotional limit and was now running on empty, not knowing what to do next. He knew he should be able to figure it out but he closed his eyes trying to clear his addled brain.

“Um . .I’m not sure where we are, but I could go somewhere, call someone?” Paul offered.

Roy opened his eyes to look at Paul. He knew this wasn’t Chris, but he couldn’t help but see Chris in this young teenager. The boy looked back at Roy and didn’t say anything. Roy tentatively reached out to touch the image of Chris, to sort the reality from the fantasy. As he did so, Paul simply sat still, sensing that this man needed something from him. He didn’t know what it was, but the blue eyes were filled with such intensity and longing. Just as he witnessed last night with Johnny—Roy’s soul was now exposed in front of him.

A whisper escaped Roy’s lips . . .”Chris . . . ?”

“My name is Paul.”

“Chris? Chris . . .why? Why did you do it?” the whispers filled with growing sobs. Roy asked again, “why?” and he succumbed to the wellspring of grief that exploded from within. He buried his face in his hands unwilling to look upon this boy’s face any longer.

Paul didn’t know what to do. He had cried last night watching these two friends and now there were more tears as Roy broke down in front of him. He thought that after his father’s death there would be no more tears. But, he was wrong. He let the tears slide down once again and tried to console the one that had been a consoler all last night.

“We’ll find a way to get help. I’m gonna find a way for us to get out of here . .” His words echoed as rain began to pelt the rooftop of the old abandoned house.

*******

“I’m sorry, Hank, but there isn’t any news,” Vince stated. He dropped by the house knowing that the crew was waiting for news. . . any news. “I just wish we had more to go on. Now that the rain’s moved in, well . . .the trail will be harder to follow.”

Hank simply nodded as he shook Vince’s hand. “Well, I thank you for coming by personally to tell us. We’re feeling pretty useless right now.” He indicated the others who were still sulking in the living room.

“I understand. I’ll keep you in the loop as much as I can.” Vince departed the front porch securing his helmet.

Hank closed the front door and looked at the faces of three men who had lost their two brothers. Feeling every bit his age, he leaned forward, rubbed his hands together and gave them a sad smile.

“How ‘bout some poker?”

“Ah, Cap, you’ll just loose all your money,” Chet replied.

Mike winked at Marco. “Yeah, Cap, don’t you think you’ve lost enough during last shift?”

“Well, now that’s my decision, isn’t it? Come on . . .the kitchen table’s calling our name,” Hank encouraged.

“Okay, okay, but we’re just warning you!”

“Can it, Kelley and dish out some cash,” Hank played right into the familiar banter. They needed to let out some pent up emotions, and maybe cards would help.

Thunder cracked overhead and the lights dimmed for a moment. All four men looked toward the ceiling, each one offering a prayer for their lost brothers.

*******

Gentle tapping roused him from a fitful slumber. He couldn’t remember why he was so hot and uncomfortable and why a dull ache kept beating along his side. He knew he was not where he was supposed to be, but wasn’t sure where that was either. The tapping continued along with new sounds of muffled sobs and quiet whispers.

He attempted to open his eyes and move his head with little success. He decided to try again, willing himself to concentrate on those two tasks. When he opened his eyes his vision was blurred and everything was gray. He lifted his head a little and grunted with the effort.

That grunt halted the sobbing sounds he heard, but the tapping continued.

“Johnny?”

He struggled once more with his eyes and opened them. This time, things were a little clearer and he recognized Roy.

“Roy?” he croaked trying to find his voice. He sounded hollow and worn out.

“Shhh . . .just lie quietly. You’ve had quite a night,” his partner responded.

Johnny looked closer and noticed that Roy was looking rough. “ . . you . . kay?” he croaked again.

“Yeah, don’t worry about me,” Roy smiled half-heartily unable to look directly into his partner’s pained-filled eyes.

Johnny grasped for Roy’s arm and tried to sit up but the pain in his side made him yelp instead.

“I said lie still.”

Johnny panted, trying to regulate his breathing to help control the pain. “What . . happened?”

The tapping grew louder and Johnny noticed another person walk away from the bed and open the window. He was aware enough to hear the rain and watched as the young man broke the branch that had been tapping the window. Johnny looked back at Roy.

“Who’s that?” his voice becoming stronger as he cleared his dry throat.

“This is Paul. He’s been helping us out.”

Johnny was more confused. “What . . happened?” he asked again.

“Well, long story short . . we were attacked, robbed, held hostage for a while and left for dead,” Roy stated with a level of sarcasm and weariness. “Oh, yeah, they also decided to give you a little ride with some heroin.”

That explained the fuzziness and the headache. “Oh . . wow . .. my side?” Johnny attempted to sit again, slower this time. Roy tried to help him knowing that Johnny wouldn’t be content until he was able to accomplish this small task.

Sweat beaded down his forehead as he leaned up against the wall, tired by the effort to sit. However, it was worth it. He began to breathe easier and the pain became more manageable.

He opened his eyes to see Roy holding on to his forearm to keep him steady. He sighed and looked across the way to the young teenager.

“Paul . .I’m Johnny,” he said with a small grin.

Paul simply gave a small smile and replied, “Hi.”

“Johnny, we need to get you to a hospital. You were stabbed,” Roy informed him.

“Um .. that now explains my side. Man, I feel like shit . . “ he responded as Roy adjusted the pressure bandage checking for blood flow. Roy was glad to see that it had finally stopped.

“Yeah, well, you’ve lost a lot of blood, too. Don’t know what may be going on inside you, so let’s be careful, Junior.”

“Okay, ‘kay . .” Johnny panted. “So, we’ve been left behind?”

“Yeah,” Paul responded. “I guess we were just in the way.”

“Where are we?”

“I’m not sure,” Paul said. “I’m not from around here, but we’re a good ways off any kind of road. We got off onto some kind of trail.”

Johnny got a closer look at Paul as he spoke and felt a twinge of something that wasn’t physical pain. It was more like a specter of grief that haunted him—this teenager looked a lot like Chris. He looked at Roy and noticed that Roy was not himself.

“Hey, Pally, what about you? Did you get hurt?”

Roy looked back at Johnny and smiled. “Not really—just got knocked in the head—no nausea or dizziness—it’s a lot better this morning than last night.”

“Last night?” Johnny felt confused again. “How . .long?”

Paul tried to answer that when thunder cracked again overhead. “We’re somewhere in the San Gabriel Mountains. It’s an old house.”

Johnny scowled knowing full well from his camping experience that they could be miles away from any help. Another spasm of pain surprised him and he grunted.

“Johnny?” Roy leaned over while Johnny clenched his hands over the bandage.

Panting, he said, “ah . . man . . that one hurt . . .Roy . . you’ve got to go on and get . . .help.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Roy . . .” Johnny breathlessly murmured riding another wave of pain. “ . . .no choice.”

Paul got up again and paced the floor. “Maybe, . .. maybe I can go on and get some help . . ?” He felt unsure yet compelled to take some action. Somehow, he was becoming a part of this scene whether he wanted to or not. Determination flirted with anxiety as Paul came closer to acting in a way he should have a long time ago. His father might actually be proud of him. “We’ll find a way out of this, son . . I know we will . . .” Dad?

“How about we just all go together? Maybe that’ll work okay,” Paul said as he thought out loud.

Roy looked at the window and noticed the gentle rain and receding thunder. “I don’t know . . how are we going to make it with Johnny unable to walk?”

Johnny saw a glimmer of hope in the young man’s eyes and something else he couldn’t quite pin down. But, he was willing to try. “Come on . . Roy . . we can do it together, huh?”

Paul had an idea. “What about making a stretcher that we can pull? I’ve seen that before. Not sure where, but I bet we can do that?”

Despite Roy’s weariness and headache, he actually caught some of the enthusiasm Paul seemed to be gaining. It would actually be best if they could go together and he would certainly welcome Paul’s physical ability and strength to see them home.

Roy turned to Johnny. “Ya sure you can do this? It could get rough.”

“Yea and I could just lay here and bleed to death, huh? What an option . . .man . . Roy, let’s just get out of here . . we can head west and . . we should run into a main trail or something . . “ Johnny stopped to catch his breath and try to control his fear of the pain getting worse. He laid his head back against the wall and sighed. “let’s just . . get out of here . . and go home.”

*******

Paul and Roy had found an old door that was in relatively good condition with rusted hinges. Using twine and rope found in the outside shed they tied the lengths to the hinges and old door knob. Satisfied with their makeshift stretcher, Roy woke Johnny from his latest nap. Roy frowned noting that Johnny was growing weaker and getting closer to shock without any fluids, combined with the blood loss. Time was getting shorter.

With Paul’s help Johnny was secured to the door and gently tied to it to prevent rolling off the flat surface. Roy tucked the few old blankets left in the house under Johnny to help absorb the shock. Trekking through the woods would certainly be challenging enough without spilling Johnny off their stretcher on each bump.

The rain had slowed to a quiet drizzle and they figured they had several hours of daylight left, even though it was overcast and gray. Johnny tried hard to suppress any vocal complaints or moans as Paul and Roy dragged him through the brush. The musty odor of dirt, dead leaves and wet bark permeated each man’s senses and soon they each were wet and cold.

Roy decided to try to make their trek a little more engaging. “Tell me about yourself, Paul,” he asked as another ghostlike image of Chris danced in front of him.

“Not much to tell,” Paul started. “I’m just used to getting in trouble and getting in trouble with the wrong crowd.” Paul paused as contemplated telling Roy more. Not that he feared this man, but he actually didn’t want to disappoint this man who was apparently in deep grief and pain. He tried again.

“Um . . my mom died when I was about eight or so. Dad tried to handle things without her . . she was like the center of our family.” Paul took a deep breath and re-adjusted his side of the ropes. “Dad . . .um . . well, he lost his job and then we couldn’t pay the rent or the bills . . so, we just started . . .well . . .” he paused again.

“Go on, Paul,” Roy encouraged. He was beginning to feel something for Paul, despite their rough introduction. The boy was proving to have some character.

“Well . . we ended up living on the streets. That’s kind of when I started stealing and stuff to help with money—we needed food. Those soup halls are hard to deal with. Dad tried so hard and he just wouldn’t stop drinking and . . .um . . he . . died about a year ago. He was so damn stubborn and didn’t want help from no one. I . . .didn’t know what to do so I got mixed up with some other guys and ended up a youth center. But, I ran away, again. I’ve just been trying to figure it out . . . got desperate and hooked up with TJ and his druggie friends. He was after some cops when you guys came along . . and well, I was just not liking his way of doing things, ya know? Not that I’m all that but he just treated everyone like shit . . I’m not that low. I’m not going to do shit like that . . I won’t . . .I’m just wanting to figure out where I belong . . “ Paul finished quietly not realizing how much he had shared and tried to hold back the tears.

Roy didn’t know what to say. Hell, he never knew what to say to Chris when he got angry and frustrated. He cringed thinking about how little he actually did when his very own son was shutting him out. Now, Roy was facing another mixed up teenager who looked so much like Chris that he didn’t know what to make of it or what to say. He reached over and put his arm across Paul’s shoulders.

In a small voice, Roy said, “I think you’ve started down a new road today.”

Paul looked at him with watery eyes. “I’m just so tired of the drugs, the booze, the SHIT that’s in the streets! My mother would be so hurt by the things I’ve been doing. . .she’s . . .she’s got to know . . .oh, man . . I’ve just . . . got to find some help, unlike my Dad did.”

The emotional testimony spent Paul’s voice and energy. He swayed slightly and swatted at the flies. Roy steadied him and stopped in their tracks. He and Paul eased down the door and with a quick glance at his partner to ensure he was still asleep, he helped Paul sit. He joined him and sighed, rubbing his aching shoulder.

“I’m sorry about that, Paul. But, I think just admitting to this .. the thing . . well, you’ll find the right help,” Roy paused. “I know some folks at Rampart General Hospital where Johnny and I work . . I know I can hook you up with someone and . . .”

“Ah . .man. . I’m not going back to no youth center .. . that is one bad scene. No, I’ve got to find my own way till I’m eighteen and can get help by myself,” Paul stated with determination.

“Well, let’s just take it one step at a time, huh?” Roy’s headache was increasing as well as the afternoon hours. “Why don’t we just stop here for a bit. We can rest for a few minutes . . .who knows, I bet there might be some searchers heading our way, huh?” Roy hung on to his small sliver of optimism for his sake and for Paul.

Paul grinned and agreed with a nod of his head. “Yea, my back’s ready for a rest. For your skinny partner, he sure is heavier than I thought.”

Roy turned his attention back to Johnny and reached over to feel his head. A low-grade fever had pretty much settled in after the heroin trip. His skin was becoming clammy and he knew time was filtering away. “Yeah, he can be a handful, especially on his good days. You’re not seeing us at our best right now.”

“Well, I can tell you care a lot about him.”

“He’s my brother.”

“All firemen are like that, huh?”

“Well, yeah, we’re really close. But Johnny, . . .he’s actually closer to me than a brother. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

“I respect that, man. You can tell he feels the same way.”

“Well, I guess when you start saving each other’s lives more than once, well, you know . . .” Roy was growing uncomfortable with Paul’s scrutiny.

“Who’s Chris?”

Roy looked back at Paul, stunned to hear his son’s name in this conversation. He wasn’t sure what to say. How do share this kind of pain with someone you don’t know?

“Um . . . “ Roy stumbled over his words. “My son . . .he died a couple months ago . . he . . .um . . shot himself.” The words billowed out of him in puff of air.

Paul regretted asking now. He wasn’t sure how to read this man’s pain. He wanted to reassure him, comfort him somehow, let him know that it was okay to be sad.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.

“yeah . . he . . .I . . . didn’t know .. . he was hurting . . I didn’t listen . . “ Roy wondered why sharing his thoughts in the woods to a new stranger didn’t hurt as bad. “I . . he . . was having a hard time, I guess.”

Roy took a deep breath and almost panicked when he felt another hand reach for his arm. But it was from Johnny and not from Paul. When he realized that fact, he settled down and put his other hand over Johnny’s warm one. That simple grip reminded him how much his best friend meant to him and how much he knew that Johnny cared. Why hadn’t he opened up before?

Paul remained silent allowing Roy his space and time. He didn’t know how or why, but he knew that was the right thing to do.

“Chris . . was . . um . .Chris was a baseball player . . .” Roy started with a hushed whisper that grew stronger. “He had his mother’s eyes, my complexion and hair and a great sense of humor. Somehow, over the last couple of years, though, things began changing. I really didn’t notice it much, other than just being a teenager. Rebellious behavior and anxious thoughts. He seemed uneasy a lot of times. His grades kept slipping. He gave up baseball. He just seemed to be changing so fast . . oh God, he was giving up right in front of me and I didn’t see it . . .oh my God, he just . . . he was playing around . . .he was . . “ Roy stopped to catch his breath. Johnny remained attached to Roy’s arm and simply closed his eyes hoping that Roy would release some of his pent-up grief. Paul continued to remain silent.

“Um . . well, he was with some guys that he didn’t really like, but . . .well . .there was a gun . . it was a game . . I think he just wanted to take the risk . . he seemed worried about death and how I might die one day. . . oh God, he was really trying to say something and I just didn’t get it . . .not me . . not good ol’ Roy . .who pretty much has it together and is a solid rock. But . . not for Chris . . not for my son . . oh god . . my son . . Chris . . why didn’t you come to us . . .Oh Chris . . “ Roy dissolved into sobs and Johnny tried to reach him. He couldn’t because of the ropes holding him down.

He cleared his raw throat . . .”Roy . . “ he pleaded in a hoarse whisper. “You aren’t responsible . . you and . . Joanne . . .were always there . . .he just . . didn’t think . . Roy . . .” Johnny tried to reach his partner verbally, feeling every sob jolt through his own body.

Paul also reached over and put his arm across Roy’s shoulders. Beyond that, there was nothing to say. That afternoon no one heard Roy’s anguished cries; no one could see the depth of Roy’s pain; no one could feel the strength of Roy’s sorrow except for an injured best friend and a lost teenager.

*******

Late afternoon sunshine soaked up the fog and mist that surrounded the forest and mountains. Blue skies peeked out from billowy white clouds and a crisp breeze fluttered through the thick trees and brush. There was a freshness that the rains had brought in. There was also a renewal that was bursting forth from one man’s shattered soul. He awakened to feeling a new strength and resolve that wasn’t there before. He felt a sense of ease as he stretched the kinks from his shoulders and back from lying on the harsh forest floor. The air was full of promise and as he gained awareness of his surroundings and remembering why he was where he was, he began to move quicker. Johnny . . oh my God, I can’t lose him, too . . Johnny?

“Johnny?” he began asking as he moved toward the door his best friend was sleeping on. Yes, sleeping, still breathing, still with him, but looking paler than before, looking weary and like he was fading away. No, Junior, we’re gonna make it . . .we’re gonna do this . .

Paul was also awake from his nap and sensed Roy’s release of concern and strength. Together, without words, they took up their ropes and began moving as quickly as they could, careful of their precious cargo.

Moving at a good pace, Johnny was jostled awake from the pain and the constant shifting of the door. He knew they weren’t doing it on purpose, but he just couldn’t hold back. “Aaaghh . . .” he weakly cried out as he grabbed his side.

Roy was determined to keep moving, despite his partner’s cries. He felt the burden of time ticking away and his uselessness to save his friend from death. Especially now that he had walked away from the brink of his own emotional death, he was not going to let Johnny leave him now.

“Hang in there, Johnny . . we’re gonna make it. We’re gonna get out of this . . “

he repeated the mantra focusing on the trees ahead. He didn’t see the roots that caused him to suddenly tumble from his pace.

He cried out in despair as he felt the ankle crack and give way. Paul quickly pulled back and grabbed for Roy as he hit the ground. Johnny tried to turn around to see what was happening but pain kept him breathless and weak.

“Damn it!” Roy yelled out in pain and frustration. “Give me a break! Damn it!” Roy continued to yell out. He tried to hold his ankle and figure out how bad it was.

“<